Hi Gwen,

So, I ditched my “stay holed up at home with a married man” plans to go out with Kyle this weekend, and I’m soooo glad I did that. Kyle is sooo awesome. This was our 3rd or 4th date. The ONLY problem is that he’s made it clear that his focus is on raising his son (13 y.o.) right now. Not that THAT should be a problem for me–I mean, I’ve got 2 little ones and more than a few issues to get under control before offering My Best to anyone. But dammit, Kyle and I have SO much fun–we get along fabulously, laugh, talk, have great sex, laugh some more, hug, kiss, cuddle, lay around and listen to music… Not to mention he drives a sporty convertible, lives in a beautiful house in a gated community with A View, and is a corporate exec. On top of that, he a musician (played the Nashville circuit for many years), played baseball in college…and has an appreciation for art. And he’s confident but not cocky, personable, and sweet. But, I CAN’T fall in love with him! No problem. Right. While we were laying in his bathtub, we were talking about raising kids and all those challenges…and he said that when his children are grown (in 5 and 8 years–his other son is in another state with his ex-wife), that it’ll be a relief and that basically he’ll be ready to have no kid responsibilities…So, there I am, saying Yeah, but that makes me kinda Sad…because I have a baby! He also said Never say Never Though, which was a bit of a ray of hope. Although, I must admit I was fondling his penis at THAT particular moment. Anyway, I’m falling in love and trying not to. When I’m with him, I’m in the BEST place, but this is very much Enjoy the Moment Only, which makes me, well…kinda sad when I’m not with him.

I just wanted to share this with someone. Thanks Gwen. Any advice?

-Kat

Dear Kat,

First of all, I’m just going to ignore your very first sentence, other than to say good decision.

And hey, way to go! He sounds like quite a catch. There really doesn’t appear to be a problem here, unless you actually feel like you must hook him and reel him in. In that case, he’s gonna flop around for a short while and then take a giant leap back into the sea. And then he’ll be gone.

You recognize that you have some personal issues of your own, so you have your own things to focus on. It’s best not to forge a committed relationship with anyone unless you feel that you are in a good place and can share your best. To be sure, no guy is gonna come into your world and take you away from your problems, no matter how fast his sporty car goes. Be happy you met a great guy to spend some time with, to give you something to look forward to, and to laugh with. That’s great!

If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. If it wasn’t meant to be, you don’t want it anyway! Not much you can do about stuff like that, sweetie pie.

Take care!
-Gwen

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Hi Gwen, I checked my ex’s email and found that he is saying horrible unture things about me to his new girlfriend. Who now lives with him. I feel bad for doing it. I was bored and curious. I still rememberd the pass word from when we were dating so, I said why not. How can i deal with him saying such things about me to other people? I don’t speak ill of him and thought that at some point we could be friendly or friends to each other. I had a feeling he was saying these things about me for a while.

So, what you are admitting to me is: you’re not only bored, but you’re psycho!!! Well, can’t say I haven’t been there myself. You know what? When a relationship is over, people say things, true or not true. But whatever he is saying about you, who cares??!? People generally know that the trashy stuff is “break-up” talk, and the only one who’s really losing sleep over it is you!!! Let me tell you, you are above this, and just have to suck it up. Or, you can continue to be crazy and waste all your precious energy on breaking into his email or breaking into his house, or whatever…but, in reality, you’ll only end up looking stupid and feeling like crap. You’re WAY above that. So, let’s just repeat together: “It doesn’t matter.” “I’m still a good person who is worthy of a good relationship and I’m just acting like a stupid girl.” “Haha, time to move on.” Cheers!

-Gwen

p.s. someone needs to tell this guy he needs to change his pw.

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Dear Gwen,
Hi, I’m 22 years old and my boyfriend is 27 years old, we have been together for just about 3 years. I have lived w/ him for 1year and 8 months. I do all the things a wife would do, but I don’t have a ring, Lately my boyfriend has been talking about getting a motorcycle, it hasn’t happened yet, but I have a feeling if he gets his motorcycle that he will not need to commit to me, b/c he won’t have the extra money, and I’m already doing everything a wife does, I’m ready to get engaged, but I don’t know if he is, how do i approach him about his priorities, without pressuring him into marrying me? I also told him when we started dating that I would be around for 5 years, after that, if i don’t have a ring then he obviously doesn’t want to marry me. I think that is honestly enough time to get to know someone, don’t u? what do i do?
Tricia

Dear Tricia,
Yes, 5 years is enough time to get to know someone, if he isn’t a secret polygamist or a con-man stealing your identity.

Let’s assume that your man is happy and relatively clueless about your state of mind regarding getting engaged. HE thinks that living with you means that he is committed to the relationship. Duh. Remember, men are simple! Not like us crazy girls. Getting a motorcycle isn’t going to un-commit him to you. Here YOU are thinking that he wants a motorcycle more than he wants you, so now you won’t get married within your 5-year deadline, and you‘ve worked yourself all up about it. GIRLFRIEND, JUST HOLD ON A MINUTE!

A ring and a motorcycle are not in the same “box” in your man’s head. I assure you that one has nothing to do with the other, no matter what kind of logic makes sense to you. Btw, you don’t need a ring that costs as much as a damn motorcycle anyway. He probably doesn’t remember that you are going to turn into a pumpkin after 5 years. And even if he does, he doesn’t think that’s true because you’re like his wife now anyway, so why would you want to leave?

So what happens after you get a ring? You become obsessed about setting a date and create an expiration date for your fancy wedding plans and beautiful white dress? Because believe me, where your head is, a ring will only pacify you for so many months (you could decide…) SLOW DOWN.

There are no guarantees in married life or life in general. Having a ring or a wedding date, or even a marriage certificate isn’t the issue. The issue is knowing that you have a good relationship, one in which you can communicate with your mate. So that means you have to talk to him about what you want. He’s not a mind-reader. Then you’ll get a better picture of what he’s thinking, or not thinking. If you both are mature about it, there are good things to come. Talking about marriage at 22 and 27 might be putting too much pressure on BOTH of you, though, IMHO.

Have fun, live life, be happy.

-Gwen

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