I’m 19 years old and just had my first break-up with a girl. We’re in college and have been together for about a year. We do have a special bond and I thought we should try to remain friends. I tried to be as gentle and as diplomatic as possible but it did not go well. She became very upset and emotional. I tried to calm her down, but was unsuccessful. She walked away in tears, then came back, slapped my face and walked away again. Does it sound like I did something terribly wrong or is this a fairly normal female reaction?
–Kevin

Kev,
Your attempt at diplomacy didn’t work, but that’s probably because it’s nearly impossible not to hurt someone’s feelings when you are breaking up with them. You didn’t do anything terribly wrong, or even wrong. Breakups are unfortunately necessary when one or both parties have decided they don’t want to continue the relationship. I wouldn’t exactly say that her assault on you was a normal female reaction, but I guess it’s better than, say…boiling your bunny.
It might not be realistic to think that you can come out of this as friends, especially because it’s young and/or a first love-type sitch. So don’t push it. Just continue to be respectful, and you’ll eventually figure out if a friendship is possible.
Best wishes,
Gwen

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So, my husband is incarcerated and I’ve remained faithful for 2 years but it’s getting hard. He’s so angry most of the time re: his situation but takes it out on me. I’ve spent thousands of dollars in attorney fees that were all unsuccessful. I’m getting to the point on which I don’t even want to see or speak to him. I visit twice a week and it’s 6 hours round trip and he usually bitches @ me the entire time. Sometimes he reflects and apologizes later but that doesn’t repair the damage. We got together while he was in there. If his appeal doesn’t go through, he won’t get out for 13 more years. I really love a lot of things about him but I am becoming frustrated. Help??

You’re BECOMING frustrated? Really?? You married a man who was incarcerated and will continue to be incarcerated. I’m sure you probably believe in his innocence, too, eh? You travel 12 hours a week to see him so he can bitch at you and hurt you. Why are YOU putting yourself in a position to be treated like that? My advice would be to give up and move on. You’ve wasted enough of your time and life in a dead-end situation with this loser that you call a husband. Harsh, I know. But instead of trying to think that you even have a chance at a happy marriage (you don’t), you should go into therapy and get to the bottom of why you thought it was a good decision to marry a man behind bars in the first place. Aren’t you better than that? And what do you love about him? That he looks sexy in orange?

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Four years ago, I dated a guy I felt really strongly about but went against my better judgment. He is the type of person to keep his emotions under tight wrap, so while things might appear fine, in his head, there could be a storm brewing. This feels familiar, as it is how I operate at intense times as well. Anyway, he had decided for some time that he would divorce his wife. I happened to come along as he was making his decision, brought to him by a mutual friend of ours. We got together and his wife of course accused me of “stealing” him. For the entire 3 months we were together, she tried to break us up by harrassing me with emails and phone calls, which took my attention away from him. Also, I decided to go on birth control which was too strong for me and made me an emotional mess. Those elements combined drove him elsewhere about a month after he broke up with me and thus resulted in a 3 yr relationship. During the first year, he continued to contact me and send me text messages where he bragged about what he physically did with her. I changed my number.

Fast forward to 2010:
I kept having this overwhelming desire to contact him. He just would not leave my mind. During the 4 years after he split, whenever he’d cross my mind he would make contact but I’d feel a bad vibe. This time, I felt a good kind of vibe. All seemed well -he seemed happy to hear from me and we talked for a few days. Deep down, I really wanted to enjoy sex with him and I knew we were on that same wavelength. The difference now is that I’m much more aware and in control of my emotions. People generally see the difference in my attitude. A few days later, after some interesting emails and chats, we both sort of threw it out there that we’d like to have some physical fun.

His mother and I have exchanged emails but I’ve NEVER once asked her about him, and he knows this as well. The day after we agreed to try a casual physical relationship, his mother emailed me telling me she found a lump in her breast. I noticed that same day that his tone was slightly more aggressive. He came over anyway -he doesn’t know if I know about his mom. I left it up to him though. That first night felt very intimate and satisfying for me. I didn’t think he’d come back but 3 days later, he did. What I noticed was that he has closed off since that day he found out about his mom. She’s still waiting for a biopsy so I attribute that cold shoulder partly to that. I’m guessing also that assumes I’m still that same clingy needy person he dated years ago. I have done my inner work and put too much effort into myself to return to “that” person.

And finally, my question:
How could this scenario play out? Do people sense a shift in another peson? If so, might he sense that maybe if he gave us another chance, it could turn out differently? Do I let him call all the shots and keep myself aloof? I haven’t discussed the past with him at all because on my end, I’ve made peace with it. I am a firm believer in each new day being an opportunity to start fresh.

When I think of him or see his picture, I feel still inside, which is a far cry from how I felt the first time around.

Thanks for your time!

Sandra

Dear Sandra,
Starting fresh means not going down the same path with the same person it didn’t work out with 4 years ago!
By returning to “that” place, you ARE returning to “that” person, the old you. Is he going to sense a shift in you? Perhaps. Will it make a difference? No.
He’s giving you the chance to have more sex with him. That’s it. It doesn’t sound like he’s interested in having a relationship with you. Actually, I’m going to say that more clearly: he is not interested in having a relationship with you. He doesn’t share his emotions; that is not going to change. I don’t really understand what you see in this guy. And he bragged about the sex he had with another woman?? So not cool. You deserve better than that. You changed your number for a reason, girl! He hasn’t changed.
Are you still that same “clingy needy person” he dated years ago? Would that person write a 2 page email about him asking for advice? You are beating a dead horse…literally. I say start fresh with someone new. Someone who is interested in getting to know you, someone who will share his thoughts with you. Believe me, when a guy is interested, you don’t have to wonder. You just know. Give yourself the opportunity to meet someone new—you are holding yourself down.
Best Wishes,
Gwen

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