I am 25. My girlfriend just turned 21. We have been dating for about a year and a half. I have to say has been absolutely the best year of my life. I am totally in love with this girl. She has always felt the same way. Or at least as far as I can tell. We have always been a very affectionate couple and very caring and understanding of what each other needs. Almost a perfect relationship. However, in the last few months I decided to buy a house. It is my first time buying a home and not really sure of the entire process. Anyway, I have 2 room mates. They have been renting with me for several years and we have been friends for my entire life. I was planning on having them rent from me from me for the first year or so after I purchased the house. My girlfriend has no problem with my room mates however she also has been wanting to move in together lately. I want the same thing, but she is still in school and cannot financially handle the burden of moving away from her folks during school. She wasn’t happy about me buying a house. She seems like this is me pushing her away or… i dunno. Anyway, after this she has not been close to the same. She has been very distant and wants me at arms length. We used to hang out all the time and now it seems like i never really see her or even really talk to her about anything. She now is seriously considering going away to finish school. She wants to go to a school nearly 8 hours away, and while I want her to do what she wants with her life, i fear that this is in response to me buying a home. She had considered going away to finish school before but she had said the she didn’t want to leave me behind while she was away at school. Our relationship has suffered lately because of all of this. She is very distant and unresponsive. I almost feel like i can’t touch her or kiss her or anything. And when we talked about it she said that she “put me at arms length.” I think she’s doing this to prevent from getting hurt by being too close, but because of this our relationship feels very empty. I am afraid that she is going away to school simply to spite me. She has always said that where she plans on going to school is where she would like to live and have a life. I am totally okay with that. I hava very little holding me to where I’m at now and would really have very little problem uprooting my life to relocate with her. She says that i should be chasing my own dreams, not going to be with her, however that is what I want. I want to be with her. I bought this house so that I may be able to provide for a family in the future. And I’m afraid that her going away is a way for her to end the relationship, or a way to get me to end the relationship. I don’t know what to do about it all. I want her, but i am several years older than her and am trying to run in place so to speak waiting for her to finish school and kinda catch up with where I am at. And now i’m afraid that I lost that relationship that was once so great. I don’t know what to do in any of this, as no matter what I do, it always is the wrong move. Please help, at least try and tell me what you think is going on. I don’t understand what is going on. Please help.

Jeff

Dear Jeff,
I will tell you what’s going on, bear with me. Your gf is 21, and she’s acting like she’s 21. You are 25, and you seem to be mature beyond your years.–which I think is a wonderful thing. Jeff, what you are doing is what is RIGHT FOR YOU. I hope that you never let that go. When you say that your relationship was almost perfect, I need to break the news that EVERY new relationship is almost perfect–until it isn’t anymore. You are a bit hung up about your decision to buy a house. But this is most certainly not about you buying a house. I’m sure you’ve made it clear to your girl that the house hasn’t tied you down, because you’ve made it clear to me. What she is doing is making it SEEM like the house is the reason. But the real reason is that your 21 y.o. gf wants to get away and experience life, without you and without her parents. She’s young and is struggling with leaving the safety of the nest, but she needs to fly on her own for a while, my dear. I totally understand that you want to give this girl the world, but she needs to live in it on her own for a while, before she can fully appreciate you. Yes, you are taking that risk of letting her go, but I don’t think you have much choice if you ever want a future together. She WANTS to go away, and she WANTS to say that you couldn’t move with her because you bought the house. She doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. I think you need to just chill and support the option of her going away to school. She needs to be supported to make her OWN decision without guilt and without hurting anyone’s feelings. All you can say is that you want her to be happy, and she needs to do what she needs to do. I know it’s hard–maybe the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do. She’s clearly asking for some space, so give it to her. If you need to whine, moan, groan, cry, kick, or scream about how much you love her and how much this is killing you, PLEASE just tell me or anyone else but her. She knows. Arms length. I’m here for you!
Gwen

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The Husband’s Roast

September 5, 10

My husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years. This is the 2nd marriage for both of us and we have a wonderful relationship. We met at work and still work in the same department although we do not work with each other at all. My husband will be celebrating his 30 year career anniversary next month and his team decided to have a “roast” for him. It was mentioned to me that some of his teammates plan to joke about his past girlfriend and how taken he was with her. This was before I came into his life. I’m not real comfortable with this but do not want to be rude. To avoid the uncomfortableness, would it be best if I do not attend the event?
-Debbie

Dear Debbie,
To not attend your husband’s 30-year “roast,” especially after you’ve been respectfully warned of some of the subject matter, would be very rude. The intention of a “roast” is to put the VIP in the hot seat, not the VIP’s wife. Everyone has a past, and unless they were caught doing it on the copy-machine, I imagine the comments will be fleeting and benign. You will look like a humorless stick-in-the-mud if you can’t gracefully sit through the potentially uncomfortable moments. With a smile on your face, a raise of the eyebrows, and a twinkle in your eye, you might actually enjoy yourself. Remember, you are there to support your husband, because the event is a celebration of his him and his career, not you. So get over it already!
:)
Gwen

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So, my husband is incarcerated and I’ve remained faithful for 2 years but it’s getting hard. He’s so angry most of the time re: his situation but takes it out on me. I’ve spent thousands of dollars in attorney fees that were all unsuccessful. I’m getting to the point on which I don’t even want to see or speak to him. I visit twice a week and it’s 6 hours round trip and he usually bitches @ me the entire time. Sometimes he reflects and apologizes later but that doesn’t repair the damage. We got together while he was in there. If his appeal doesn’t go through, he won’t get out for 13 more years. I really love a lot of things about him but I am becoming frustrated. Help??

You’re BECOMING frustrated? Really?? You married a man who was incarcerated and will continue to be incarcerated. I’m sure you probably believe in his innocence, too, eh? You travel 12 hours a week to see him so he can bitch at you and hurt you. Why are YOU putting yourself in a position to be treated like that? My advice would be to give up and move on. You’ve wasted enough of your time and life in a dead-end situation with this loser that you call a husband. Harsh, I know. But instead of trying to think that you even have a chance at a happy marriage (you don’t), you should go into therapy and get to the bottom of why you thought it was a good decision to marry a man behind bars in the first place. Aren’t you better than that? And what do you love about him? That he looks sexy in orange?

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Gwen,
I’m so confused and I feel like such an asshole (I bet you get that alot). Anyway, to the point. I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years and I think I might have made the biggest mistake of my life. My reasons for doing so are numerous, however it all boils down to trust and money. She is 22, I am 26. She had cheated on me in the past (semester abroad in Italy, who wouldn’t) and in my opinion never did a whole lot to rebuild that trust. I began to notice about 6 months ago that every time we went out she seemed to flirt with every other guy in the bar BUT me, and only came up to me for more drinks. Some of that is okay, but every time without fail seems rediculous. We moved in together a year ago and our agreement was to split the cost 50/50 minus the first month where I agreed to help her get on her feet while she paid off her old apartment. By March 1, 2010 she had not paid a cent despite my constant houndings. I loved her, I didnt want to kick her out on the street. By this point I had a nagging suspicion that there was someone else because ALL of my advances were being denied, I even tried to talk to her about the lack of intimacy and her response was “I have no complaints.” No answer either as to why she wasn’t interested. Nor did she ask my position on the subjec. SO, since I couldnt get information from her I broke the cardinal rule and checked her phone. Sure enough, That was a bad idea. There was evidence of another guy and a message from her saying “dont worry, I’ll be leaving his ass soon anyways.” Here is my current problem…I dont feel that a guy fresh out of college should be expected to support a girl out of wedlock, its unrealistic and she came from a wealthy family who could have easily helped her out. I’m in the early stages of a career and was barely making ends meet as is. Is it wrong that I feel that way? Second, Was I wrong to be angry at her for all this? I have never felt more used in my life and I’m wondering if I made the wrong decision. How should I have handled this? We’ve not spoken in over a month and its tearing me apart. Well, that and all the hateful things we said to each other.
C

Dear C,
I think the biggest mistake of your life would have been to STAY with that cheating leech. It sounds to me like she was not interested in you, and used you for all she could—except for sex cuz she didn’t want THAT from you. A relationship should be a partnership, and it doesn’t sound like she was bringing much to the table. I never understand why people (myself included) love or feel like they loved someone who treats/treated them like shit. Don’t beat yourself up about it. In answer to your questions: 1) No, it’s certainly not wrong to feel that you don’t have to support an able-bodied, educated girl in the 21st century. I can tell you this, though: she WILL continue to use guys as she used you, and luckily for you, it’s no longer YOUR problem. 2) Were you wrong to be angry at her for all of this? Yes and no. You allowed her to do it, for way longer than the original agreement. So, if you choose to be angry, don’t let yourself off the hook. But anger isn’t a very productive emotion, so I suggest you move on and learn from this. You sound like a great guy and deserve a girl who is your match.

Best wishes,
Gwen

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The prom

March 21, 10

Gwen,

I am a junior in high school, and prom is about a month away. At my school, the girls have to ask the guys to our prom. So I really need some advice on what to do. There are a few people I have in mind, and I was hoping for another opinion on who I should ask.

The first guy is a good friend, but we don’t talk all the time. When we see eachother we will hug and stuff, but it is usually kind of awkward. I am very attracted to him, but I don’t know if he thinks of me in the same way. I can tell that he is the type of guy that likes having friends who are girls, and I dont necessarily want to be more than friends– I just want to go to prom. Would it be akward to bring him? I am scared that I will mess up our friendship by giving him the impression that I want to be more than friends.

Second, there is this guy that I think I’m in love with. I’ve never felt this way about anybody. I would kill to go to prom with him. However, I am very scared of rejection. I get the feeling that he is slightly attracted to me, but I’m not sure that its on the same level as me. If he says no, it will be permanently awkward between us, and I do not want that at all. I would rather stay friends that take a chance and lose him. Should I take the risk and ask him?

Either way, I’m scared to ask either one of them because I’m afraid of being rejected. Also, they are both in college. Would they think its stupid to go to a high school dance?

Please help!
Problematic Prom

Dear Prom girl,
I think it’s supercool that the girls have to ask the guys to the prom. I love it, because it turns the tables on the sexes, putting the guys in a position to wait around to be asked, and the girls realize how difficult the asking can be. Anyhoo…
I think you should ask Guy#2. You would kill to go to prom with him, but getting rejected won’t kill you. So I say go for it. Ask him if he has plans for April 17th, or whatever your prom date (haha) is. With that question, you’ll quickly know if he already has plans. If he doesn’t have plans, tell him you’re narrowing down the field in search of a prom date. There! Tell him you want to go with someone really fun. If you don’t get an immediate “yes,” then take a casual approach…”Let me know by tomorrow?”

Good luck and keep me posted!
-Gwen

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I’m 19 years old and just had my first break-up with a girl. We’re in college and have been together for about a year. We do have a special bond and I thought we should try to remain friends. I tried to be as gentle and as diplomatic as possible but it did not go well. She became very upset and emotional. I tried to calm her down, but was unsuccessful. She walked away in tears, then came back, slapped my face and walked away again. Does it sound like I did something terribly wrong or is this a fairly normal female reaction?
–Kevin

Kev,
Your attempt at diplomacy didn’t work, but that’s probably because it’s nearly impossible not to hurt someone’s feelings when you are breaking up with them. You didn’t do anything terribly wrong, or even wrong. Breakups are unfortunately necessary when one or both parties have decided they don’t want to continue the relationship. I wouldn’t exactly say that her assault on you was a normal female reaction, but I guess it’s better than, say…boiling your bunny.
It might not be realistic to think that you can come out of this as friends, especially because it’s young and/or a first love-type sitch. So don’t push it. Just continue to be respectful, and you’ll eventually figure out if a friendship is possible.
Best wishes,
Gwen

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Four years ago, I dated a guy I felt really strongly about but went against my better judgment. He is the type of person to keep his emotions under tight wrap, so while things might appear fine, in his head, there could be a storm brewing. This feels familiar, as it is how I operate at intense times as well. Anyway, he had decided for some time that he would divorce his wife. I happened to come along as he was making his decision, brought to him by a mutual friend of ours. We got together and his wife of course accused me of “stealing” him. For the entire 3 months we were together, she tried to break us up by harrassing me with emails and phone calls, which took my attention away from him. Also, I decided to go on birth control which was too strong for me and made me an emotional mess. Those elements combined drove him elsewhere about a month after he broke up with me and thus resulted in a 3 yr relationship. During the first year, he continued to contact me and send me text messages where he bragged about what he physically did with her. I changed my number.

Fast forward to 2010:
I kept having this overwhelming desire to contact him. He just would not leave my mind. During the 4 years after he split, whenever he’d cross my mind he would make contact but I’d feel a bad vibe. This time, I felt a good kind of vibe. All seemed well -he seemed happy to hear from me and we talked for a few days. Deep down, I really wanted to enjoy sex with him and I knew we were on that same wavelength. The difference now is that I’m much more aware and in control of my emotions. People generally see the difference in my attitude. A few days later, after some interesting emails and chats, we both sort of threw it out there that we’d like to have some physical fun.

His mother and I have exchanged emails but I’ve NEVER once asked her about him, and he knows this as well. The day after we agreed to try a casual physical relationship, his mother emailed me telling me she found a lump in her breast. I noticed that same day that his tone was slightly more aggressive. He came over anyway -he doesn’t know if I know about his mom. I left it up to him though. That first night felt very intimate and satisfying for me. I didn’t think he’d come back but 3 days later, he did. What I noticed was that he has closed off since that day he found out about his mom. She’s still waiting for a biopsy so I attribute that cold shoulder partly to that. I’m guessing also that assumes I’m still that same clingy needy person he dated years ago. I have done my inner work and put too much effort into myself to return to “that” person.

And finally, my question:
How could this scenario play out? Do people sense a shift in another peson? If so, might he sense that maybe if he gave us another chance, it could turn out differently? Do I let him call all the shots and keep myself aloof? I haven’t discussed the past with him at all because on my end, I’ve made peace with it. I am a firm believer in each new day being an opportunity to start fresh.

When I think of him or see his picture, I feel still inside, which is a far cry from how I felt the first time around.

Thanks for your time!

Sandra

Dear Sandra,
Starting fresh means not going down the same path with the same person it didn’t work out with 4 years ago!
By returning to “that” place, you ARE returning to “that” person, the old you. Is he going to sense a shift in you? Perhaps. Will it make a difference? No.
He’s giving you the chance to have more sex with him. That’s it. It doesn’t sound like he’s interested in having a relationship with you. Actually, I’m going to say that more clearly: he is not interested in having a relationship with you. He doesn’t share his emotions; that is not going to change. I don’t really understand what you see in this guy. And he bragged about the sex he had with another woman?? So not cool. You deserve better than that. You changed your number for a reason, girl! He hasn’t changed.
Are you still that same “clingy needy person” he dated years ago? Would that person write a 2 page email about him asking for advice? You are beating a dead horse…literally. I say start fresh with someone new. Someone who is interested in getting to know you, someone who will share his thoughts with you. Believe me, when a guy is interested, you don’t have to wonder. You just know. Give yourself the opportunity to meet someone new—you are holding yourself down.
Best Wishes,
Gwen

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my question is one that has been asked millions of times… what should i do? it seems like a simple question that should have a simple, rational answer… but i don’t see how that is possible in this case.

i’ll try to keep this as short as possible but being as how confused i am by what has happened, i doubt i will succeed… so please just bare with me.

this isn’t just the usual “she is ending it and i don’t know why” scenario. there is SO MUCH more to it than that, so that is why i am so lost and distraught over it.

just so you understand us a little more, i’ve live in a small suburban town all my life. went to small schools. had basically the same group of friends. life was simple and i loved it. in second grade this girl came to my school. she moved to the town next to mine and she has been in my class from second grade all the way through my senior year in high school. we have always been friends in a way, we never really hung out besides a few rare occasions, but we were friends nonetheless. i knew she had a crush on me back in elementary and middle school but i wasn’t even interested in girls back then, they still had cooties. then, in high school our small class of 13 mixed with 80 other kids to make up the freshman class. we weren’t as close anymore and i never knew that throughout high school she had continued to like me.

….trying to keep this short, for some reason in the beginning of the summer, after going to a grad party for a friend of mine (she was there too), we had talked some more and she had invited me to her grad party too. i am a pretty quiet kid who never really went out with these particular friends before so it was somewhat surprising for them, and for her that i went. one thing led to another, and i found myself wanting to start hanging out more with this girl. and she of course wanted to as well. we started seeing each other for a few weeks sparatically, and little did i realize how much these hangouts were like dates. and that the one on one time we had wasn’t typical of two plain old friends. after just talking from time to time in school, all of a sudden we were texting around 50 times a day. i found myself always thinking about the next time i could be with her. and when she went away for a week to go on a cruise i found that i had fallen for her. this was the first time i ever felt this way about anyone. it was my senior year summer and i finally found someone who i liked enough to actually have me have the courage to go out on dates, and actually have a girlfriend.

she said yes…. of course. we both were deeply in love. we got to spend two months of this past summer together, and it couldn’t have been more amazing. with our history, it truly was something real and seemingly perpetual. we NEVER thought we would EVER want to be without each other. i couldn’t believe i didn’t realize how amazing she was before this summer, after all these years of knowing her. i know i had zero dating experience before this, however i know with all of my heart that we both we in love. what we had was as more real than anything else in the world. we would be upset if we had to spend one day without seeing each other. we texted every night until one of us fell asleep. i never felt so comfortable being with another person in my whole life and i could share anything and everything with her. and her to me. we were perfect.

college came. i left two weeks before her, and it was hard as hell. but we still were close and talked about everything, and we still talked about everything little daily event and detail. we missed each other so much already, even when i would make the drive back a couple times to see her before she left too.

neither of us could see an end to us. we believed with all of our heart that we would easily make it through being seperated at school. that we were not a typical young couple right out of high school. because we weren’t.

we then were experiencing a new life, new school, new friends, LOTS of freedom. we were busy as hell, and talking decreased, but that was to be expected. we didn’t have the freeness in our schedules like we did during the summer. and i dealt with that, we thought that being apart would only make our feelings stronger for each other and that when we were together again we would be even more in love. and we would be even happier together.

now, it is all about to end. i won’t get into the whole situation thats been going on since friday night, but basically she told me that she just doesn’t even feel like we are in a relationship anymore and that she doesn’t feel the same way she did about me over the summer. she doesn’t really know what caused this, and she is stern on the fact that it is not my fault at all (although i feel she is wrong about this). Our friendship is still very important to both of us, I just don’t know how to handle all this. I don’t want to give up on us because I feel like what we had was so real that it can’t be completely over. There must be a part of her that still feels that way I do, and that when we are together we could rediscover that magic we had. But I don’t want to try and “fix” us if that means that it would ruin our friendship. And how can I handle our new relationship as just friends? I know I always want to be close to her no matter what, just not sure on how to get through the initial weeks/months when I will still want to be more than friends. When I am still holding on to a false hope that we can still be together.

****i’ve also imagined in my head a million times trying to just be friends and it is hard because of how i feel right now. i know i want to be more than that, i just hope the it all works out that she will always be in my life in some way. i can’t even begin to image however how i can ever replace her. i don’t see how i can love another person like i loved her. ….not anytime in the near future at least. it took me so long to find the right person for me, all the pieces fell into place perfectly, i can’t see it happening again like that.

I’m sorry sweetie-pie, but I’m afraid to tell you that everything you thought you weren’t (the typical young couple) and were (perfect) is no longer true. I really don’t want to be the one to break this news to you, BUT…

She wants to explore her new world without being restricted by a long-distance committed relationship. She’s probably met other guys that she is interested in, and vice versa, and there’s really nothing that you can do to talk her out of her decision to break-up. She says that it’s not your fault, and IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. The fact that she is stern about this, and stresses that she wants to be friends, is her attempt to protect your feelings and let you down easy—which of course I know is not going to happen. She doesn’t want to hurt you, so she’s saying all the things that people say to try to soften the blow when they are breaking up with you. Friends? It’s not going to happen, at least not anytime soon, without it hurting too much. You cannot handle being friends, and she is not going to share with you all the things that friends share, like who she partied with last night.

Lucky for you, it only took you until you were 18 to fall in love for the first time. Unluckily for you, you were only 18 when you experienced your first heartbreak. You WILL fall in love again. I understand that you can’t imagine anyone other than her, and that is why “The First Cut is the Deepest,” and “I Can’t Make You Love Me,” and about 95% of all other songs are written. Sorry, off the top of my head I can only think of the ones I’ve listened to a million times over the years.

Your experiences with her allowed you to open up and have that deep connection. So, now you know that it is possible. You’ve come out of your shell, now don’t go back into it because you got hurt. There are so many other girls out there who would love to meet you and get to know you. You sound like an awesome guy! Don’t let this experience ruin other possibilities for you or anyone else. If you decide you need some time to grieve and be sad, do it. But when you are sick of being sad, allow yourself to be happy again. Smile at people and say, “What’s up?” even when you want to growl and tell them to eff off.

Take care. Oh, that’s in answer to your question: take care of yourself. You will be ok. We’ve all survived that first love, even if it nearly killed us. And what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. (Hey, quotes like that didn’t survive generations for nothing).
Gwen

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Hi, I’m 22, and have recently been left for another man after 3.5 years of serious relationship. I feel lost and confused about what to do next with my life. I have great friends and family who believe I am stronger than I really am. I have a fantastic job that is pulling me in many directions. I live in Derbyshire but work in Kent 2 days 2 nights 6 off for £36,500 per annum. I wont be able to get this kind of money doing anything else. I do not wish to leave Derbyshire for my job. However I feel like I am going nowhere with my life now. Due to work commitments I am finding it hard to develop a new loving relationship and find myself wanting my ex back who broke my heart. I no longer have any targets or goals to aim for. When I am away at work I feel very lonely! I need someone in my life to take charge, I am strong willed but need to be pointed in the right direction.
Please help!

Ryan Lane

Dear Ryan Lane,
Oh, you sound so very cute. I’m sorry you’re heartbroken. You have the whole world at your disposal. Take this time to read some good books, watch some good movies, spend quality time with family and friends, and focus on a new hobby. Everything will work out fine.
Keep in touch!
Gwen

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I was having general chat with this guy last week at work he’s really nice and it went well and he came in again today. He wrote his number on a box knowing i was going to clean it away, was it meant for me or have i thought too far ahead, if it was what should i do?

That’s really cute. Call the number, and tell him you have a box with his number on it, what does he want you to do with it?

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