I am 55 years old. Can you help me? It seems like my life is out of control, in the way of relationships, finances and health. I’m not totally at loose ends. But I can’t seem to concentrate, or want to concentrate when I’m not working. I haven’t wanted to take care of myself. I’ve allowed myself to depend on others. Both my children are 25 & 19 years respectfully. I am a grandmother of 3 beautiful children. I love my family. I’ve carried on a relationship with a married man for 10 years. I want out. Can you help me, help myself?

You need to start with calling your primary care doctor and making an appointment asap. And be completely honest with him/her–people tend to lie to their doctors about how much they drink, what they eat, how much they exercise, sexual practices, etc, and then the underlying reasons for medical problems can be missed. It sounds like you may be depressed, and this can be assessed and addressed by your doctor. He/she can also give you referrals for a counselor and other mental health professionals. If you don’t have insurance, there are sliding scale clinics and county mental health agencies which you can access. And by all means, do yourself a favor and dump the married guy. There are plenty of single men out there to play with.
Best wishes,
Gwen

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Dear Gwen,

My BF and I were together for two years, and then I found out he was cheating on me with the mother of his children. We broke up, and had no contact for 3 months, he begged me for another chance the whole time, via emails, text messages etc. I never responded to any of his attempts. Eventually, through some info I got from a third party source I felt like maybe he was really sorry, and I gave him another chance.

Three weeks after we got back together, he text messages me to tell me that he is sorry he can’t be with me because he “HAS” to be with his kids mom. She had gotten a DUI and was going to go to jail, and he “HAS” to live with her, for the sake of his children. He told me, that him and her were not getting back together, and that he still cared about me, and wanted another chance once this situation was cleared up.

I am not stupid, I knew he was getting back together with her, so I told him I was done. He wanted to be friends, and I said “no, not ever!” I have moved on, and no longer want him in my life.

I am just having a hard time forgiving myself for being so stupid and thinking he ever cared about me. I saw the mother of his kids the other day, and she just couldn’t wait to rub it in my face about what a “dumb *****” I am if I ever thought he was going to be with me. How do I forgive myself? He is an asshole, but I am the one that let it happen. So how do I forgive myself for being so stupid? -J

J,

Quit beating yourself up! You live, you learn. I’m proud of you, and even somewhat envious that you have been this strong. When we love someone, (or like, or lust…), we tend to lose our heads and be stupid and ignore the red flags. But you know what? It’s OK that you wanted to try again and give him another chance. You’re a good person! It’s ok to give someone the benefit of the doubt, and to forgive. Everyone makes mistakes. So now you know he wasn’t worth it. End of story. He fucked up, you forgave him. You wasted a tiny bit of time going back again. We’ve all been there.

Cheers!
-Gwen

p.s. wtf? I hope you told her she’s the dumb**** for driving under the influence.

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The man that I’m in love with broke up with me because I was too overwhelming. In my defense, I like freedom but if i tried to stay home for a night, he would text me with nasty things like where are u, really to the point where i’d come back over. So he also has issues with labels. He did start calling me his gf but nothing went wrong between us -he just wanted to slow down i guess.We were together for 7months & its been 4 since we’ve taken it down to just talking ,which now for those months he is living in another state. He tells me that in 2months when i move down there that we can be in a relationship again. I told him i’m 25 & i’m ready to settle down. I know you cant plan ur future exactly but at least be with a guy that is in the same mindset. So my question is how can i continue to talk to him & in 2 months be with him without worrying about being too much? I’m not a fake person & won’t change for anyone, but in my opinion he’s controlling & nothing is ever wrong with him. The situation we’re in makes me sick & i get upset a lot because for me it’s insulting to not be able to call me ur gf. I’m a very independent person but i do love having a relationship. He makes me cry cuz i feel like evrything is always my fault. I don’t tell him what to do or give him grief about anything he does. I think he’s just scared of commitment. BUt can I ever fully be myself without worrying am i being too much, especially cuz i didnt think i was before. I cant be in a relationship where i cant say & do what i feel,.He basically said for these next 2months to bottle my feelings up???? help i think he’s in his own world. can this work out without it all having to be me that changes? I need advice fast!

Wait a second; let me get this straight. You’re talking about a guy who has already broken up with you, is controlling, makes you sick, makes you upset, makes you cry, whom you feel you can’t be yourself around; he wants you to bottle up your feelings, and he sends you nasty text messages. He’s in his own world and is of a different mindset than you.
Good lord girl!!! Is he the only guy on your island??? Is he the last available guy on the planet? Is he the only guy you’ve ever met??
In my opinion, you should put this guy in your past. You feel he’s controlling you– because you are LETTING him. He’s already broken up with you once—why would you put yourself in a position for him to do it again??? This is NOT “good love.” He is not good for you. I mean, you didn’t say anything good about him!
You are too young to think that this guy is “it.” He’s not. Starting ASAP, open your eyes and look around at all the other possibilities. If you don’t, you’re just asking for way more heartache, and why would you do that to yourself? There are many guys out there who would love you just the way you are.
Good luck,
Gwen

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