Dear Gwen.
Happy holidays and merry Christmas to you.
I was doing a search on the internet and stumbled upon your website. You seem like a nice person who might offer advice and that’s the reason why I’m writing today.
My girlfriend and I are about to have a baby. She is 6 months into her pregnancy and during the 6 months I have not been able to find a place for the both of us to stay together. That is what she’s been wanting and just recently I did find a place and finally she is happy but I have not been staying with her in the new apartment. The reason why is because someone in my family passed away and it was the first death that me or anyone in my family had dealt with ever. It was very hard and I had explained to my girlfriend I needed some time alone with my family.
She understood but after 3 weeks, she couldn’t take it anymore and said it is very important that I am there with her during her pregnancy and I agree with her 100%. It’s just that my life is very difficult right now and I barely even have the money to move out with her but did it anyways because that is what she wanted.
I want to continue the relationship with her because she wants a family and I want a family. She already has a 9 year old daughter and is a single mom. The baby would be my first ever. The only problem now is that she got so mad at me and was very emotional about me not living in the new apartment with her that she gave me an ultimatum. She said that she no longer wants to be with me because she doesn’t feel that I am part of her family and demanded me to get out of her life.
She is always very demanding and controlling and if she doesn’t get what she wants she always ends up breaking up with me. I am always the person who pleads with her to get back in the relationship because I am looking out for our baby boy and want to do the right thing.
She is not happy with me and I’m not happy with her. She’s not happy with me because I’m unable to be there with her 24/7. Each time there is something urgent I am always there, but her demands are not realistic based on my current circumstances with the death in my family and struggling to get through it and being there for my parents.
I’m not happy with her because she is always negative, too demanding and unwilling to work things out. Each time she doesn’t get her way, her answer is to break up.
I need your help Gwen. What should I do? I don’t want her to be unhappy and I don’t want to be unhappy. We have a baby boy due in 3 months. This is so frustrating. I tried going to counseling, offered her anything she wants but in the end she just wants too much and is too controlling where I can’t take it anymore.
All I want is for her to be happy and for me to do the right thing. I’m stuck right now and any advice you can provide me would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
David

I’m gonna go out on a limb here, but it sounds like your girlfriend has a mental illness that is not being diagnosed or treated. Such swings in her happiness/unhappiness as you describe, along with her demands, control issues, and manipulative behavior are symptoms of mental illness. Of course, the only way to know is for her to be evaluated by a mental health professional. Do you think she would hear you out on this? Likely not. If things get so bad that she is a danger to herself or others, then there is a possibility of court-ordered evaluation. You can call your county’s mental health crisis line for more information about the resources in your community for treatment.
So, what do YOU do? It sounds like you are a calm, reasonable, caring person. Now you have a child to protect. It might not be possible for you to have a long-term successful relationship with her, especially if she doesn’t agree to go to counseling or get outside help. Do the best you can to be of support to her. Try to talk to her when you feel that she will listen. Here is a link that you may find helpful:

http://www.healthyplace.com/bipolar-disorder/support/mental-illness-information-for-family-and-friends/menu-id-67/

Take care of yourself. Try not to let her behaviors make you lose sight of all the wonderful things you have to look forward to as a father. This is the beginning of something great.. Reach out to the resources available to you in your community, for yourself and your family. Take care.
Gwen

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I want an ipod touch. My bday is Christmas Eve and i was going to use that money to buy it. My stepdad will not let me get a 200 dollar ipod so i was going to have to settle for a nano. with black friday going on i can get a package deal of an ipod touch and a 50 dollar itunes card for 195 that makes the ipod 145 how do i get 195 dollars before friday?

I don’t know. I give relationship advice. I don’t have an ipod either, but I want one.

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my question is one that has been asked millions of times… what should i do? it seems like a simple question that should have a simple, rational answer… but i don’t see how that is possible in this case.

i’ll try to keep this as short as possible but being as how confused i am by what has happened, i doubt i will succeed… so please just bare with me.

this isn’t just the usual “she is ending it and i don’t know why” scenario. there is SO MUCH more to it than that, so that is why i am so lost and distraught over it.

just so you understand us a little more, i’ve live in a small suburban town all my life. went to small schools. had basically the same group of friends. life was simple and i loved it. in second grade this girl came to my school. she moved to the town next to mine and she has been in my class from second grade all the way through my senior year in high school. we have always been friends in a way, we never really hung out besides a few rare occasions, but we were friends nonetheless. i knew she had a crush on me back in elementary and middle school but i wasn’t even interested in girls back then, they still had cooties. then, in high school our small class of 13 mixed with 80 other kids to make up the freshman class. we weren’t as close anymore and i never knew that throughout high school she had continued to like me.

….trying to keep this short, for some reason in the beginning of the summer, after going to a grad party for a friend of mine (she was there too), we had talked some more and she had invited me to her grad party too. i am a pretty quiet kid who never really went out with these particular friends before so it was somewhat surprising for them, and for her that i went. one thing led to another, and i found myself wanting to start hanging out more with this girl. and she of course wanted to as well. we started seeing each other for a few weeks sparatically, and little did i realize how much these hangouts were like dates. and that the one on one time we had wasn’t typical of two plain old friends. after just talking from time to time in school, all of a sudden we were texting around 50 times a day. i found myself always thinking about the next time i could be with her. and when she went away for a week to go on a cruise i found that i had fallen for her. this was the first time i ever felt this way about anyone. it was my senior year summer and i finally found someone who i liked enough to actually have me have the courage to go out on dates, and actually have a girlfriend.

she said yes…. of course. we both were deeply in love. we got to spend two months of this past summer together, and it couldn’t have been more amazing. with our history, it truly was something real and seemingly perpetual. we NEVER thought we would EVER want to be without each other. i couldn’t believe i didn’t realize how amazing she was before this summer, after all these years of knowing her. i know i had zero dating experience before this, however i know with all of my heart that we both we in love. what we had was as more real than anything else in the world. we would be upset if we had to spend one day without seeing each other. we texted every night until one of us fell asleep. i never felt so comfortable being with another person in my whole life and i could share anything and everything with her. and her to me. we were perfect.

college came. i left two weeks before her, and it was hard as hell. but we still were close and talked about everything, and we still talked about everything little daily event and detail. we missed each other so much already, even when i would make the drive back a couple times to see her before she left too.

neither of us could see an end to us. we believed with all of our heart that we would easily make it through being seperated at school. that we were not a typical young couple right out of high school. because we weren’t.

we then were experiencing a new life, new school, new friends, LOTS of freedom. we were busy as hell, and talking decreased, but that was to be expected. we didn’t have the freeness in our schedules like we did during the summer. and i dealt with that, we thought that being apart would only make our feelings stronger for each other and that when we were together again we would be even more in love. and we would be even happier together.

now, it is all about to end. i won’t get into the whole situation thats been going on since friday night, but basically she told me that she just doesn’t even feel like we are in a relationship anymore and that she doesn’t feel the same way she did about me over the summer. she doesn’t really know what caused this, and she is stern on the fact that it is not my fault at all (although i feel she is wrong about this). Our friendship is still very important to both of us, I just don’t know how to handle all this. I don’t want to give up on us because I feel like what we had was so real that it can’t be completely over. There must be a part of her that still feels that way I do, and that when we are together we could rediscover that magic we had. But I don’t want to try and “fix” us if that means that it would ruin our friendship. And how can I handle our new relationship as just friends? I know I always want to be close to her no matter what, just not sure on how to get through the initial weeks/months when I will still want to be more than friends. When I am still holding on to a false hope that we can still be together.

****i’ve also imagined in my head a million times trying to just be friends and it is hard because of how i feel right now. i know i want to be more than that, i just hope the it all works out that she will always be in my life in some way. i can’t even begin to image however how i can ever replace her. i don’t see how i can love another person like i loved her. ….not anytime in the near future at least. it took me so long to find the right person for me, all the pieces fell into place perfectly, i can’t see it happening again like that.

I’m sorry sweetie-pie, but I’m afraid to tell you that everything you thought you weren’t (the typical young couple) and were (perfect) is no longer true. I really don’t want to be the one to break this news to you, BUT…

She wants to explore her new world without being restricted by a long-distance committed relationship. She’s probably met other guys that she is interested in, and vice versa, and there’s really nothing that you can do to talk her out of her decision to break-up. She says that it’s not your fault, and IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. The fact that she is stern about this, and stresses that she wants to be friends, is her attempt to protect your feelings and let you down easy—which of course I know is not going to happen. She doesn’t want to hurt you, so she’s saying all the things that people say to try to soften the blow when they are breaking up with you. Friends? It’s not going to happen, at least not anytime soon, without it hurting too much. You cannot handle being friends, and she is not going to share with you all the things that friends share, like who she partied with last night.

Lucky for you, it only took you until you were 18 to fall in love for the first time. Unluckily for you, you were only 18 when you experienced your first heartbreak. You WILL fall in love again. I understand that you can’t imagine anyone other than her, and that is why “The First Cut is the Deepest,” and “I Can’t Make You Love Me,” and about 95% of all other songs are written. Sorry, off the top of my head I can only think of the ones I’ve listened to a million times over the years.

Your experiences with her allowed you to open up and have that deep connection. So, now you know that it is possible. You’ve come out of your shell, now don’t go back into it because you got hurt. There are so many other girls out there who would love to meet you and get to know you. You sound like an awesome guy! Don’t let this experience ruin other possibilities for you or anyone else. If you decide you need some time to grieve and be sad, do it. But when you are sick of being sad, allow yourself to be happy again. Smile at people and say, “What’s up?” even when you want to growl and tell them to eff off.

Take care. Oh, that’s in answer to your question: take care of yourself. You will be ok. We’ve all survived that first love, even if it nearly killed us. And what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. (Hey, quotes like that didn’t survive generations for nothing).
Gwen

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