I am 25. My girlfriend just turned 21. We have been dating for about a year and a half. I have to say has been absolutely the best year of my life. I am totally in love with this girl. She has always felt the same way. Or at least as far as I can tell. We have always been a very affectionate couple and very caring and understanding of what each other needs. Almost a perfect relationship. However, in the last few months I decided to buy a house. It is my first time buying a home and not really sure of the entire process. Anyway, I have 2 room mates. They have been renting with me for several years and we have been friends for my entire life. I was planning on having them rent from me from me for the first year or so after I purchased the house. My girlfriend has no problem with my room mates however she also has been wanting to move in together lately. I want the same thing, but she is still in school and cannot financially handle the burden of moving away from her folks during school. She wasn’t happy about me buying a house. She seems like this is me pushing her away or… i dunno. Anyway, after this she has not been close to the same. She has been very distant and wants me at arms length. We used to hang out all the time and now it seems like i never really see her or even really talk to her about anything. She now is seriously considering going away to finish school. She wants to go to a school nearly 8 hours away, and while I want her to do what she wants with her life, i fear that this is in response to me buying a home. She had considered going away to finish school before but she had said the she didn’t want to leave me behind while she was away at school. Our relationship has suffered lately because of all of this. She is very distant and unresponsive. I almost feel like i can’t touch her or kiss her or anything. And when we talked about it she said that she “put me at arms length.” I think she’s doing this to prevent from getting hurt by being too close, but because of this our relationship feels very empty. I am afraid that she is going away to school simply to spite me. She has always said that where she plans on going to school is where she would like to live and have a life. I am totally okay with that. I hava very little holding me to where I’m at now and would really have very little problem uprooting my life to relocate with her. She says that i should be chasing my own dreams, not going to be with her, however that is what I want. I want to be with her. I bought this house so that I may be able to provide for a family in the future. And I’m afraid that her going away is a way for her to end the relationship, or a way to get me to end the relationship. I don’t know what to do about it all. I want her, but i am several years older than her and am trying to run in place so to speak waiting for her to finish school and kinda catch up with where I am at. And now i’m afraid that I lost that relationship that was once so great. I don’t know what to do in any of this, as no matter what I do, it always is the wrong move. Please help, at least try and tell me what you think is going on. I don’t understand what is going on. Please help.

Jeff

Dear Jeff,
I will tell you what’s going on, bear with me. Your gf is 21, and she’s acting like she’s 21. You are 25, and you seem to be mature beyond your years.–which I think is a wonderful thing. Jeff, what you are doing is what is RIGHT FOR YOU. I hope that you never let that go. When you say that your relationship was almost perfect, I need to break the news that EVERY new relationship is almost perfect–until it isn’t anymore. You are a bit hung up about your decision to buy a house. But this is most certainly not about you buying a house. I’m sure you’ve made it clear to your girl that the house hasn’t tied you down, because you’ve made it clear to me. What she is doing is making it SEEM like the house is the reason. But the real reason is that your 21 y.o. gf wants to get away and experience life, without you and without her parents. She’s young and is struggling with leaving the safety of the nest, but she needs to fly on her own for a while, my dear. I totally understand that you want to give this girl the world, but she needs to live in it on her own for a while, before she can fully appreciate you. Yes, you are taking that risk of letting her go, but I don’t think you have much choice if you ever want a future together. She WANTS to go away, and she WANTS to say that you couldn’t move with her because you bought the house. She doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. I think you need to just chill and support the option of her going away to school. She needs to be supported to make her OWN decision without guilt and without hurting anyone’s feelings. All you can say is that you want her to be happy, and she needs to do what she needs to do. I know it’s hard–maybe the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do. She’s clearly asking for some space, so give it to her. If you need to whine, moan, groan, cry, kick, or scream about how much you love her and how much this is killing you, PLEASE just tell me or anyone else but her. She knows. Arms length. I’m here for you!
Gwen

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The Husband’s Roast

June 27, 10

My husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years. This is the 2nd marriage for both of us and we have a wonderful relationship. We met at work and still work in the same department although we do not work with each other at all. My husband will be celebrating his 30 year career anniversary next month and his team decided to have a “roast” for him. It was mentioned to me that some of his teammates plan to joke about his past girlfriend and how taken he was with her. This was before I came into his life. I’m not real comfortable with this but do not want to be rude. To avoid the uncomfortableness, would it be best if I do not attend the event?
-Debbie

Dear Debbie,
To not attend your husband’s 30-year “roast,” especially after you’ve been respectfully warned of some of the subject matter, would be very rude. The intention of a “roast” is to put the VIP in the hot seat, not the VIP’s wife. Everyone has a past, and unless they were caught doing it on the copy-machine, I imagine the comments will be fleeting and benign. You will look like a humorless stick-in-the-mud if you can’t gracefully sit through the potentially uncomfortable moments. With a smile on your face, a raise of the eyebrows, and a twinkle in your eye, you might actually enjoy yourself. Remember, you are there to support your husband, because the event is a celebration of his him and his career, not you. So get over it already!
:)
Gwen

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So, my husband is incarcerated and I’ve remained faithful for 2 years but it’s getting hard. He’s so angry most of the time re: his situation but takes it out on me. I’ve spent thousands of dollars in attorney fees that were all unsuccessful. I’m getting to the point on which I don’t even want to see or speak to him. I visit twice a week and it’s 6 hours round trip and he usually bitches @ me the entire time. Sometimes he reflects and apologizes later but that doesn’t repair the damage. We got together while he was in there. If his appeal doesn’t go through, he won’t get out for 13 more years. I really love a lot of things about him but I am becoming frustrated. Help??

You’re BECOMING frustrated? Really?? You married a man who was incarcerated and will continue to be incarcerated. I’m sure you probably believe in his innocence, too, eh? You travel 12 hours a week to see him so he can bitch at you and hurt you. Why are YOU putting yourself in a position to be treated like that? My advice would be to give up and move on. You’ve wasted enough of your time and life in a dead-end situation with this loser that you call a husband. Harsh, I know. But instead of trying to think that you even have a chance at a happy marriage (you don’t), you should go into therapy and get to the bottom of why you thought it was a good decision to marry a man behind bars in the first place. Aren’t you better than that? And what do you love about him? That he looks sexy in orange?

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